Thrown to the Wolves

Okay, so I didn't post yesterday after promising to do so.

However, for once, I have a good reason. Two actually: Denver and Poncho.

Last night was a neverending revolving door of boys out of bed. I thought of giving a play-by-play of the night here, but realized that that would not be as interesting to you as it was mind-boggling to me. Suffice it to say that from about midnight until nearly 5am, one of the other of the boys or some combination thereof was up and about, complaining about being frightened of their room, or about mysterious ailments, or just chatting about life. Every time one of them was down, the other would pop up, and every time I thought I'd have a few moments to do something, it was stripped away. I ended up laying down (but not sleeping, mind you) in our bed, on both couches, and on the large chair in the boys' room at various points. Joanna, angel that she is, let me catch some sleep this morning before church. It was a long, long night that I'd not like to repeat any time soon, the kind of night that makes you long for a stasis chamber in which to stash the little darlings, or at least kindles the desire to give them just a little bit of scotch so they'll sleep. I don't have the former and couldn't bring myself to the latter, so it was lots of talking quietly and commands to lie down with eyes closed for me.

I've got to get to my grading (only two weeks to the end, so not too much of that left for the moment). However, I did want to clairfy a few things from my last post, specifically the portion related to boldly going forth in faith.

First, an apology for the mixed metaphor: it should have been something about throwing myself on God's grace, or putting myself in God's hands. The way it was phrased sounded a bit like I would be making myself a football on a long Hail Mary pass (there's an allusion for you) and hoping He wouldn't punt me.

But moreso than that literary faux pas, I wanted to address the idea contained therein. Many of you know I've been whining for ages about wanting to move the northwest (among the many things I whine about with some consistency), and it's been suggested by those already there (Beth just the latest among them) that I should just move the family up there, damn the torpedoes, and see what turns up. After all, it worked for the Foxes and has lead to great growth for others. The comments are always made in the tone of those who think that I'm just scared to trust God that much.

I can't deny there's always some fear in putting oneself out for God's use and fully trusting Him to provide in a real, moment-by-moment sense. Well, there is some fear for me, anyway, and I suspect for the majority of folks. But fear is no reason not to do something. Honestly, that's not the major component of my not already having packed up and made the journey. Rather, it's that I don't feel like He's called me to do so yet. I'm in a strange transisitional place at the moment, and I'm not certain where He's going to end up putting me or allowing me to go. I still very much see myself ending up in the northwest, but the path there is not necessarily straightforward. I've got irons in the fire here, irons He Himself seemed to have moved me to put in that fire, and I'd like to see how they pan out.

And to those who are concerned that I might be stalling, I appreciate that concern and encourage you to keep poking me about it, because I am prone to inertia. But I will point out that I already have struck out in faith with no other support: that was what Toronto was all about. After being accepted to the University of Toronto, my incredibly supportive wife and I sold most of our things, packed a moving van with what was left, and headed for Canada. We had no place to live, no jobs, and knew no one there. We lived in cheap motels for a week, then rented a basement apartment with 5 foot ceilings from a drunken former ambassador from Barbados. We scraped by on student loans, gifts from my parents, and Joanna's grueling job in an underground mall. It was an incredible year, full of joys and difficulties (especially for a couple who hadn't been married even a year yet), and we had to literally rely on God to provide every day. Many a night was spent in tearful prayer, and many a day was begun with tremendous blessing.

But I knew I felt called to that. Though it was, I am convinced, a portion of the path we were meant to walk, we're also still paying it off: the credit counseling we've been in the past few years is an effort to eradicate the debt we built up during that time. We learned a lot and grew a lot and I'm more than willing to put myself on the line again (as Joanna is also, though more hesitantly, and I've got kiddos to think about these days as well), but not until I feel that it's time. My little wish is to move right now, to start a new life right this minute, but that's always my little wish for everything, and I think I've got some more work to do here at the moment. Maybe even within six months or a year that will change, but I'm going to concentrate on the lessons I have to learn in this place.

Now, that said, if you hear about some wonderful job opportunity up north, don't hesitate to share it--you may be the engine that gets this ship moving. I'm all for God flinging open the doors and shining the light on the path. And if I feel that it's time to head out, we'll do so even if no opportunity is immediately evident. I trust He will let me know when the time is right. I dream of my little community every day, and I trust that if it is His will, it will happen.

I guess this post, as most of them are, was much more for my own understanding than it was useful for any of you. One of my textbooks contains the quote, "How can I know what I think until I write it down?" As a bad teacher, I can't remember who said it, but it's certainly true for me. But I'm more than open to comments from the usual crew or any newcomers who may be lurking out there, and I'd love to hear stories of times when you have put your faith on the line and really put yourself out there in total reliance on God to provide. Such stories are always welcome.