News Item

3 Dead, 11 Injured in Railway Accident at Cookie Factory
Faulty Safety Equipment, Naughty Diesel Engine to Blame
"I am very disappointed in those silly engines," says head of railroad

ISLAND OF SODOR -- Three people were killed and another 11 injured when a blue steam engine owned by the Sodor Railway Company crashed into the Sunny Times Cookie Factory Friday afternoon.

"It was horrible," lamented factory owner Nigel Trumpington. "Everything was running smoothly, and suddenly a great bloody train came crashing through the south wall. The structural supports gave way and the ceiling collapsed, sending burning cookie oil splashing down on the workers... Oh, God, it was horrible."

The trouble apparently began that afternoon, when the blue steam engine, whom authorities have tentatively identified as "Thomas," began arguing with a diesel engine about which type of train was superior.

"Diesel is always being very bossy," Thomas reportedly complained just after the accident. "He thinks he's the best engine ever. I told him we steam engines could beat him any day!"

Apparently, a race between the two engines ensued. Though Thomas reportedly had the lead, as he came around the curve at the head of the so-called "Gordon's Hill," he was accidentally shunted onto the siding leading to the cookie factory loading dock.

"Those engines simply must learn not to be so quarrelsome," stated Sir Topham Hatt, director of the Sodor Railway Company as he picked his way through the smoking rubble. "I will certainly speak sternly to them again back at the yard."

"Tut tut," he added.

Observers report that the collision between train and factory was spectacular. "There was a sound like a bomb going off," said Farmer McCole, a local farmer who witnessed the accident. "Men were stumbling through the wreckage, screaming, or rolling on the ground trying to put out the grease fires. I heard someone shrieking, 'I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs!' and another crying out to a god who did not answer to put him out of his misery."

All the injured were transported by railcar (a small wooden tram called Toby) to the Sodor Community Hospital. Most were treated for severe burns and internal injuries. Six of the injured remain in critical condition. Later, the tram engine broke down and had to be pushed to its destination.

The steam engine reportedly suffered a dinged buffer and a comical coating of cookie flour, making him feel extremely embarrassed.

"We'll have to go back to the roundhouse and get you cleaned up," said his conductor. Thomas then was sheepishly towed from the ruins by a large green engine wearing a smug expression.

National Transportation Safety Board spokesman James Worth said that investigation is ongoing. "Normally, we'd shut down the railroad immediately and demand a full investigation," Worth said. "With this many accidents on his company's record, Hatt would be put away for a long time. However, as the only other trasportation options on the island are Sir Hatt's private helicopter and a small red bus called Bertie who is prone to breaking down, we have little choice but to allow operations to continue."

The NTSB will most likely issue another warning to the Sodor Railway Company, the forty-third such warning this year.

Harry Ironbottom, a factory worker, had tears running down his soot-blackened face as he sat next to the accident site. "It was 'orrible," he moaned as paramedics splinted a compound fracture of his leg. "My mate Bert was screaming, 'I'm burning alive!' but I couldn't get to him through all the smoke and bricks..." Ironbottom broke into sobbing and could not continue.

"That diesel engine will be reprimanded," said Sir Hatt in response. "And we will certainly need to discuss the importance of getting along. I'm quite cross."

Officials report that this is the worst accident to befall the Sodor Railway since last Thursday's dual incidents in which a red engine, believing himself incapable of being damaged, drove along a crumbling trestle and toppled into an open mine shaft, killing two. A few hours later, two engines having a quarrel rammed into a string of cars filled with tar, putting a halt to rail traffic for several hours and causing the suffocation death of a bystander.