With What Can I Get Away?

It's sad that I had to re-edit the title of this post to be gramatically correct--didn't want that preposition danging at the end of the thing, even though that would sound better. I'm so sad.

The reference, though, is perhaps sadder. It occurred to me this morning that I live my life so as to "get away with" as much as possible. That is, instead of living in as upright a fashion as I ought to, I live in as upright a fashion as is minimially necessary to avoid having the whole thing collapse.

That was much too complicated. Let's start again, shall we?

I live as though the really important thing about my life is what people observe of it. If I think I can get away with something without being caught, I do it. This is not stuff that is overtly sinful or illegal (most of the time, anyway...), but rather just things I'd be embarrassed to have discovered if I found myself caught on tape. For instance, yesterday and today I've been on my own with Joanna and the monkeys out of the house. I had two goals: to get ready for classes and clean the house. I am currently at school and just about to engage in class preparation (no, really), but I got very little done yesterday in either regard, mainly because there was no one there to see me goofing off. Instead of doing what I ought to have been doing, and doing a good job of it, I am (as always) doing the absolute minimum required so that I will neither lose my job nor get into great trouble when the wife returns. That also means I'm feeling guilty and harried now trying to do what I had ample time to accomplish earlier; I'll end up doing a poor job on both fronts and feeling bad about that, too. And yesterday was spent in a kind of mild guilty haze over what I wasn't doing, but the haze was not powerful enough to move me into action. Really, I wouldn't put up with this from one of my students or my children, and yet here I am. It's pitiful.

It's the same with most things I do: teaching and other professional obligations, housework, spending time with my family, writing... I might not even begrudge myself my bad behavior if I were using the time constructively, but I fritter it away on trivialities and laziness. If I were really writing or practicing my voicework or recording books on audio or anything slightly useful, I'd like myself more. Not a lot more, but at least a bit.

This also makes me out as something of a liar--if I really wanted the things I say I do, I'd be doing more to achieve those goals. Which makes all this moping and self-pity that much more reprehensible and indefensible. My great hope is that some of this sense of self-awareness and realization about how I operate will lead me to change those habits that lead me to this point. Even more important are vast amounts of prayer and seeking God. Oh, wait--that's another area I need to work on...

ps--See? This is the sort of stuff you get when I post daily: my convoluted self-deprecation. Happy now? Huh?