That title is apropos of nothing, save that I like The Simpsons and I'm feeling pretty low at the moment.
I went out to "write" this morning for a few hours and came back with very little. I'm feeling rather depressed about the novel. The writing just isn't getting any easier, and my nature as a "generator" could not be more apparent. I'm just no good at follow-through. I know I almost certainly am letting too many issues crowd my brain at the moment to be objective about the book, but it is just a slog. I'd take a break, only that's almost all I've done in the past two weeks. (And yes, I'm aware that's probably a large portion of the problem. Hush up and leave me to my whining.)
I'm reading The Privilege of the Sword by Ellen Kushner these days, and her easy style and ability to paint characters quickly and engagingly are frustrating. I haven't been drawn in as effortlessly as I was into the extraordinary Thomas the Rhymer, but it's impressive none-the-less. And I've been reading all the comments about the new Harry Potter book. I've never been a Rowling fan, but what she's created certainly appeals to a great many people and tells a story well. For someone simply mixing up elements of the fantasy worlds of others, she's certainly done a bang-up job.
The novel, by contrast, feels endlessly clunky and unoriginal. I feel like I'm falling into every fantasy cliche there is to be had, and the spots where I attempt to avoid them feel clunky and obvious. The tone is grim and unpleasant, and while I like the characters, it's hard to imagine anyone else doing so. The writing itself is endlessly repetitive and wordy and just bleh. I've never pretended to be an artist (much less an artiste), or even a particularly good storyteller—I'm just a guy who likes words and the way they sound and fit together. I'd love to tell stories that weave worlds, that unfurl with natural grace to reveal greater and greater depth, like some glorious rose opening its dew-bedaubed petals to the new sun. I'd like readers to be drawn along and lose themselves in the tale, finding both the comfort of good, engaging language and the joy of new wonders. I don't feel like that's happening here at all. Honestly, I'm ready to just chuck the whole thing and start over (well, maybe save the whole thing for later and move on), but (1) I already have a store of a thousand unfinished projects—I don't need 1,0001, and (2) I'm almost as intimidated about starting something new as I am of continuing with what I've got. I'm on that old downhill slide in which my inner self convinces me that the world is full of other fantasy stories much better than mine, so my efforts are pointless and feeble.
And yet, I'm dead certain God gave me a talent and a mission. The words, "There are some stories that, if you don't tell them, will never be told," were given to me, and I don't doubt them. Much of this may just be mood and/or the normal process writers go through during composition and/or my infinite self-absorption. (Just count the number of times the words "I" and "feel" show up in this post.) And, Lord willing, these feelings will pass. I'm just grasping at the moment.
It was good to get this all down, though. Hopefully it will be one of those things I go back and read and think, "How could I have doubted?"
It's no fun being in the doubt, though.
4 comments:
A few thoughts...
Its not supposed to be easy. If it were easy, all of the people who you hear say "I'm going to write a book someday", would actually do it. You are trying to actually do it, and that's going to be hard.
That author you're reading who has such an "easy" style most likely worked her tail off, fought through frustration, and hated what she wrote at times. But she kept trying.
And bear in mind that its not going to get easier from here. Sarah has sent out dozens of submittals to publishers over the past months. Three have said that they really like one of her stories, but its just not for them. Sounds encouraging, but its frustrating as heck.
Whenever you get this story done, you're going to have to suffer through more rewriting, and then - possibly - have to spend years trying to find someone to publish it. Its going to suck.
The encouragement though is that its worth it. Its supposed to be hard, because its worth it. And the process will teach you to really, honestly rely on God.
And that's worth more than anything this world has to offer.
I sympathize with you, man. The script I'm working on right now feels kind of hokey and formula to me at the moment. I'm hoping that's going to change as I write the dialog - I'm certainly going to do what I can to make it more grave and realistic than the cheese it feels like right now. But I'm out of time, and the deadline demands that I turn in what I have, whether it's up to my imaginary standards of perfection or not.
So maybe you need to set deadlines in stone, and have someone else hold you to it?
It might not improve the quality of your novel thus far. You know how stories take on a life of their own; perhaps Leaf's story is meant to be a dark and dismal one. Perhaps it's simply a story you need to tell and then move on, never to look back. As they say, you have to generate a whole metric ton of crap before you start getting to the good stuff.
It's your first novel. It's okay if it sucks. If nothing else, think of it as training for the next one. That's why you're taking the time off to write, right?
Above all, don't allow yourself to drift away from it. I'm struggling every day with the temptation to play video games, or read a game book, or do anything other than work on the script. But my time is running out, as is yours. I was just reminded of the fact that this project is moving, with or without me - Zondervan just announced their new online comics lines, which reminded me that the industry continues to go on even if I don't. I want to be a part of it, so I've got to hustle and just do the work now.
Don't let this summer be for nothing! Even if it's just getting a bad novel out of your system, get it out of your system!
But I hear you. Give me a call this week if you want to commiserate...
Hey Michael,
Doubt is a writer's eh? I was just thinking, as I read your latest, that you're like the man version of Annie Dillard, with more articles. I think she leaves out "a", "this" or "that" and "the" a lot to make her prose more poetic. Them's articles, I think, if my Ms. Fourmet education still serves. This is compliment dude. I think she rules--Annie Dillard, I mean. Ms. Fourmet...she was tough, but taught me mucho.
Doubt is a writers MUSE, is what I meant. Geez. Proofread why don't I!
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