Poking Up My Head

If you've been imagining my long absence is due to my deep involvement in my writing—wherein I have been slaving away at every odd hour, pounding out thousands of words in pursuit of this dream of mine and the "calling" I profess—I have some disappointing news.

It isn't because of that.

In truth, when I'm doing well (or even reasonably) on the writing, I'm more apt to post, because I want everyone to know I'm not slacking. It's when I'm doing poorly that I am embarrassed to get in here and report my lack of progress. It's been a poor couple of weeks on that front. There have been some good times of late: a good hike with my dad over Father's Day Weekend (despite his calling it repeatedly a "forced death march"); a wedding for dear friends this past weekend and a nice overnight holiday for Joanna and I while the grandparents watched the kiddos; the preschool "graduation" ceremony for the boys and the end of the school year. There have been some good conversations with friends and some old contacts.

But the writing is icky.

Partly, I think, this is due to the fact that I've come to the end of the first section of strict "revision" of old material and now have a large chunk of brand-new prose to be filled in. Back in the NaNoWriMo days, it would be easy to crank out a few thousand words a day, but that was when I could skip around and didn't care about the quality. Now that I've got proscribed events that have to be covered and more concern about making it match the revised quality of what's come so far, I'm feeling stymied (if only because I've always wanted to use the word "stymied" and this is the first time in three and a half decades of life I've had the opportunity). My guess (and I think Slater suggested it) is that I should just switch back to NaNoWriMo-mode for these sections and worry about revising later.

I also know it's just an issue of scheduling. Chris Baty, founder of NaNoWriMo, warned that having a lot of time to write in only makes the writing harder, not easier. I so wanted to disbelieve him, but I don't think I can any more. Despite the fact that this is (in my head, at least) the most important time I've had to work, I'm squandering my days with frivolous details and junk. By evening I'm swearing to do better the next day, but then I end up staying up too late, fiddling with this and that, ignoring my duties until the last minute, then starting off already six steps behind the next day. I know that regular sleep, prayer, avoiding distraction, and dedication are the elements needed, but I seem regularly unable to achieve these. I liken it to a diseased man being told clearly that there is a cure for his disease, one that is simple and not terribly difficult, who nods and smiles and agrees that the cure is wonderful, and then wanders off and totally ignores the cure until his next attack, at which time he takes just enough to keep himself from dying, then goes back to his old habits.

Okay—enough of this. I appreciate you, my loyal fans, for being my sounding boards in all this, but of all the tiresome things to read, self-pity and complaining are among the worst. I'll be trying to get in here more regularly for updates, and I'll be continuing the fight. Your prayers, as always, are desperately needed.