Some Kind of Illness

I had many a post idea floating around today, yet they've all melted before the awesome power of the wee hours of the morning. Somehow that little clock reading 1:40am at the bottom of the screen sucks out my will to live.

There must be a mental condition that describes acute, pervasive, and self-destructive procrastination. I mean, I give myself a lot of leeway about doing other things. Time spent with the kids, watching the occasional television program, catching my breath after working hard, making complicated meals--these all I grant myself and don't particularly regret. Though I might have been wiser to tackle the grading rather than these issues, they don't tear me up with self-reproach.

But what do I make of myself when I can sit down and very clearly chart out how long my remaining grading will take, see the lateness of the hour, and then choose to do something entirely frivolous? It's like I have a pathological aversion to grading. I am not an unreasonable man. I like to think of myself as logical. I can see every element of what I need to do laid out before me. Yet I can then immediately go off and do something that makes no sense whatsoever and doesn't even really bring me any satisfaction at all. What that pointless thing was tonight shall remain unnamed, lest I dignify it with attention. Suffice it to say that I've done nothing constructive since Joanna went to bed a while back. What the hell?

On that subject, I read an interesting interview in CLWL (my new abbreviation for that Creating a Life Worth Living book, since I mention it like every other post nowadays) with a short story writer. She worked and did not succeed at writing for a long time, so eventually she went into nursing. It was while there that she was convicted that writing is what she was meant to do. In the process, she discovered she wasn't a really great nurse--not that she couldn't do the job, but it's a job that requires dedication and creativity, and her passion was always elsewhere. That's precisely how I feel about teaching these days. Yes, I have the brain to do it, but not the will.

Of course, that doesn't negate the fact that the grading must get done. So I suppose that, rather than type this post, which I do find interesting, I had best go stare at some more mostly poor narrative essays and pray that I can keep my mind focused enough to get at least a couple of hours' sleep tonight.

Wish me luck.